On sleeping with married men.

When I was in my first year property class, the professor put a question on the final exam that I always hated: How does property law compensate for the trend in shifting from bright-line rules to standards?

That question makes me think of my own life. In my personal romantic/sex life, I used to go by standards. (Ed note, I say "romantic/sex" knowing full well that while the two do not necessarily overlap, they are also not necessarily mutually exclusive.) I have since shifted to rules. Six years ago, my standards were simple. There were four of them. Anyone I met and was interested in had to fit comfortably into my standards. There were four categories:

(1) Intelligence.
(2) Ambition.
(3) Kindness.
(4) Sexual compatibility.

These standards now seem so commonplace, so I take them for granted. Yes, of course I want someone with a certain level of intelligence and ambition (though the two should not be confused). Of course I want someone who doesn't kick puppies and who is good in bed. These are all givens.

Now I have rules. A short list of the types of people I will not get romanticallly or sexually involved with. Each requires some pontification. And so, I pontificate:

(1) I will not sleep or get involved with with Republicans. For more information on this, see On sleeping with Republicans, supra.

(2) I will not sleep or get involved with lawyers. There are several reasons for this. The first reason is that it is best for me to be the more argumentative party in a relationship. If my partner were as or more argumentative than I, we'd never be able to speak. We'd be arguing all the time. Just for fun. And as lawyers, neither one of us would ever back down. It would go on forever. This would not be good. Also, can you imagine the pillow talk? I can. "Oh baby, I give you an easement over all my body. Picture me as a river. You have riparian rights." Ew, ew, ew. So not cool. I actually hooked up with a lawyer once. What did we talk about in bed? Whether an element of an object was purely decorative, or whether it had functional aspects -- as if we were contemplating whether to award a patent. I can also imagine that if I were to get involved with a criminal lawyer, we'd only ever talk about the Fourth Amendment. I do this enough with my friends; I don't need to do it with my hypothetical lover.

(3) I will not sleep or get involved with anyone younger than me. I get chastised for this most often by (you'll never guess!) boys younger than me. Twenty-two-year-olds insist that age is just a state of mine. While this is true to a point, it is a universal truth that even the most mature and wordly twenty-two-year-old is a moron. I know this. I was twenty-two once. On approximately three occasions, I have broken this rule. It has always ended badly.

(4) I will not sleep or get involved with anyone who is married or otherwise committed to another person. (In this context, I am speaking specifically of men who cheat. People in poly or other sorts of nonmonogamous relationships are an entirely different issue, which will have to be addressed in a later entry.)

I had a friend once who thought that sleeping with married men somehow validated her. It was as if she felt that because a married guy would sleep with her, that she was somehow a superior, more desireable woman because she forced him to cheat on his wife. This argument is a fallacy. The truth of the matter is that married men who are cheating are not at all particular about who they sleep with. They are opportunists who take what they can get. I once had a brief affair with a guy who was engaged (you may remember him as "Charlie" from the aforementioned On Sleeping with Republicans). I felt relatively guilty about the entire thing, which is why I broke it off rather early on. But as Mike said to me, "Hey, if it weren't you, it would have been someone else."

This comment of Mike's brings me to my next reservation regarding the philandering types. They are not honest. First of all, they're not honest with their wives. The abhorrant aspect of cheating does not come from the sex act itself. Rather, it comes from the violation of trust. I myself do not suffer monogamy well. But I make to qualms of it, and always tell my partner where I stand on the issue. Relationships are like contracts. There's the standard form contract that states that neither party shall be with another in a sexual sense. This is the general agreement that exists when the agreement itself has not been discussed. It is not proper for one to unilaterally change the terms of the contract without consulting the other party. That's what cheating is. It's dishonest. And as I've come to find, if a cheating man is cheating on his wife, (1) he's done it before; (2) he will do it in the future; and (3) he won't tell you about it. He could have a harem of seven women, none of whom know about the others. And he will likely have no problem with this. After all, if he's lying to his wife, chances are he's going to lie (deceit by omission) to you as well.

In finale, there is my biggest problem with married men. I am awesome. No, really, I am. Just ask anyone. I may be a brilliant underachiever, but dammit, I'm still brilliant. I'm also cute. And occasionally funny. I'm not the jealous type, and like having a life separate and apart from my partners (as long as there is some convergence). I'm adventurous, too. I'll try nearly anything at least once. Suffice it to say, so long as you're not looking for a waifish moron, I am, indeed, the total package. And I'm good in bed, too. See Sex with me will make you live longer, supra. With all this going for me, I am far, far too good to be the other woman.

Even taking all of the above into consideration, I am still human. I've made mistakes before ("Charlie" in particular). I've been attracted to men who I have no business being with. I've let my more base instincts take over. But in the end, it's just a bad idea. I get pissed off at the cheaters for being dishonest troglodytes. I get annoyed with myself -- I deserve so much better than to be "the other woman" who is constantly lied to. But I don't claim to be perfect. When all is said and done, however, I am reminded again and again that my four rules are good ones. Each time I've strayed from them, I've ended up disappointed and pissed off.