Vegans.

Remember Moby? He's the guy who "samples" all sorts of stuff in order to create his own music. (I call it "stealing," but who am I to argue about semantics?) Some friends of mine were talking about him. I mentioned that he has a strange orange pallor. I suggested that it comes from the fact that he only eats carrots. He is a vegan, you know. And then I got to thinking...

I'll start with a preemptive apology to any vegans I may be offending by writing this. The Vegan Society defines veganism as "a philosophy and way of living which seeks to exclude -- as far as is possible and practical -- all forms of exploitation of, and cruelty to, animals for food... In dietary terms it denotes the practice of dispensing with all products derived wholly or partly from animals."

That's why they don't eat dairy and eggs.

You know what I found out about vegans when I was in college? All those vegan girls had a strange green cast to them. Seriously. I thought it was malnutrition. But then I realized something. College aged vegan women perform fellatio with disquieting frequency in proportion to college aged non-vegan women. They swallow, too. Which may explain the green glow.

For years I was irate at this realization. How can they possibly reconcile all this oral sex with their ethical rules regarding "dispensing with all products derived... from animals"?? It just didn't' seem consistent. Damn hypocrites.

Upon research, however, I found what I like to refer to as the Vegan Head Exception. It is as follows: "The term 'animal product' in a vegan context refers to material derived from non-human animals for human use or consumption. Ah-ha! Non-human animals! A loophole! Designed for men of all ages.