My job description.

Many of you think that I am a lawyer. However, this "lawyer" title is a bit of a misnomer. What I really am is an ass-watcher.

I can hear you now. An ass-watcher? The state pays you to watch asses all day? Why, that's absurd!

Absurd, but true. Every day I go to court is a day of ass watching. On any given court day, I'll have anywhere from one to nine matters scheduled. It doesn't really matter whether I have one or nine, however, because I will be sitting and waiting regardless. As I wait to the side of the courtroom for my case(s) to be called, I watch asses.

Truth be told, it's rather hard not to ass watch on the job. Invariably, as I wait, someone will be standing in front of me. I see asses of all shapes and sizes. The freakishly skinny woman with the perpetual wedgie. The lumps of shapeless doughy-ness of the middle aged men in ill-fitting suits. The occasional luscious curves of a woman with a halfway-decent figure.

I must concede that I look at women's asses far more than men's asses. Why? Because on a man, an ass is an ass. Except for extraordinary cases, they all look pretty much the same when hidden by suit trousers. But the women's asses are a veritable cornucopia of shapes and sizes. As we all know, women's dress pants tend to be rather tailored and fit snugly. Thus, all these women seem to suffer from the same problem: Visible Panty Line.

Visible Panty Line, or VPL as it is often referred to in the vernacular, is the bain of my existance. As a professional ass-watcher, I cringe in horror every time I see a woman's ass destroyed by the dreaded VPL. I wince in inner pain when I see an attractive young lady who is oh-so-obviously wearing up-to-her-neck cotton briefs (likely white).

Women! Learn the importance of purchasing thongs. Oh, there are those self-righteous femi-Nazi types who proclaim that a woman shouldn't have to be a thong. They prattle on about ass floss and other unsavory names for that delicate undergarment. At the end of the day, however, a person always looks better and is taken more seriously if she doesn't have a huge line on her ass destroying her professional image.

Thongs, ladies. For all the time and money we spend pretending to be professional attorneys (as opposed to professional ass-watchers), a two dollar thong purchased at Wal-Mart can really you look like a million bucks.