Michael Jackson and Frederick's models: What do they have in common?

As you well know, I am a sucker when it comes to dressing up. It's true. Even as a child, I adored stealing my mother's lingerie and pretending to be a grown-up. "If only I had boobs!" I would think to myself, convinced that I would be a flat-chested overweight adolescent for decades to come. Sadly, however, my mother's lingerie collection was lacking. So I decided then and there that when I grew up, I would have sexy underthings and unmentionables.

Therefore, it should come as no surprise that I am the gleeful recipient of the Frederick's of Hollywood monthly catalogue. I browse through each new addition, eyeing the models and knowing that I will never look anything like them. But this does not bother me. I know I'm wonderfully sexy even if I'm not seven feet tall with a 24 inch waist and double D sized breasts. Saucy and sassy and brilliant, to boot.

And so, I received my catalogue today. "Special Offer," the cover proclaims. "FREE Shipping on any purchase of $95 or more." There they go again, seducing me with free shipping. It usually works. Last month I spent $105. But not this time. I've got work to do. Two trials to prepare for this week. Nontheless, I cannot help but paw through the pages looking at what's new and what may be on sale. Really... can a girl ever own too many satiny corsets, too many lace bustiers, too many pairs of red four-inch stillettos? I say no! There are never too many sets of fishnets stockings, never too many beaded garter belts, never too many cute boyshorts!

However, as I sat looking through my beloved Frederick's catalogue, a strange realization began to take hold. These women in their see-through mesh teddies. These women in their fringed tranluscent bralettes. None of them have any nipples. Their overly abundant breasts stand at attention, draped in the sheerest of garments. But where the nipples should be there is nothing.

And then it comes to me. The only thing that explains the nipple-less women. It's the same phenomenon that explains pay-at-the-pump. It's the only explanation for Michael Jackson.

Aliens.

The Frederick's models are aliens.