You people (yes YOU!) are fucked up.

A while back, I entered some secret code into the bowels of this blog so that I can track where my visitors come from. I know if you've gotten to my blog via search engines (and I know which ones) or referred sites. I know where you live -- what country, state, and city. I know how many pages you view, which ones, and how long you read. Oh, yes. The Saucy Vixen is watching you.

Far more entertaining, however, are the keyword search results. I get to see what y'all enter into search engines that cause you to stagger across my blog. It seems you're seeking answers. So, I have compiled a list of answers for you, based upon what you've entered into the search engine. No need to thank me. Consider it a free service from someone who cares.

(1) No, you can no longer purchase used women's panties on eBay. That craze died sometime in the late 1990s. I know this because I used to grift creepy men with promises of panties from sexy college co-eds. Really, I just bought a $2 pair from TJ Maxx, packed in in a Ziploc bag (per popular request), and sold 'em for about $50 a pop. I was a very entrepreneurial college student. Mr. Vixen tells me that there are other websites that provide the used panty service now. I wish you luck.

(2) I have no clue how to hydrate beef jerky. It seems like an odd thing to do. I dare say that you'll never get a porterhouse steak from a bag of jerky. Warning: Do not attempt to hydrate jerky by warming it in a microwave after wetting it down. It cases smoke. And fire.

(3) Entering "Who is the women behind the saucy vixen blog" into Google will not magically provide you with my true identity.

(4) "Tiramisu" is not a sexual position. Many of you seem to think it is. This concerns me.

(5) If you're scouring the Internet for information in order to decide whether you should date men with children, you probably shouldn't.

(6) E-mailing with someone does not constitute cheating. I e-mail people all the time. I e-mail colleagues. I e-mail random guys I know. I e-mail my in-laws. I e-mail my parents. It would be foolish to assume that I am having sex with all these people. It would also be really disturbing.

(7) Marconi really does play the mamba. And a city built on rock and roll would be structurally unsound.